Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
did i walk over a car last night?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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