i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
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i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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