Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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