Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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