The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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