I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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