Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
