Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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