matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
