hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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