the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
