My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
