why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
