I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
