I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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