the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
