This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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