I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
