census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
