I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
