The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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