just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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