I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
