Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
