thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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