Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
