Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
