Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
