I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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