i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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