Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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