Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
