Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
