I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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