i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
