If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
