I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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