Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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