Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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