Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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