Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
