Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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