On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
