Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
