Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
