Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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