I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she told me i tasted like america
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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