$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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