1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
