shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
