He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
