dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
