We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
