Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
