Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
