So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
