good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
