Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
